Life After Morrissey

 I’m not one of you. I don’t share this problem with you; I am not a fan of Morrisey or The Smiths. I don’t like their music, I never understood the appeal. I wouldn’t even want to be in a room with them. I can be that judgemental but fuck it, I have found the best music by being discerning, and I have found the best music by not being discerning.

“It’s hard to be a man. It’s made to be hard and I don’t know why. I think it’s easier to be a woman. The women’s movement has been so successful; the men’s movement has never been accepted. I think it’s not wanted.”

Morrisey

You have to be someone a bit special to do the one name thing. The way you are sure you have earned it is to have a complete name known, but that your fans don’t use it. I don’t know if Morrisey is entirely secretive about his name but he is private. I don’t think that he has a silly name, and I don’t think a silly name would stop him, one compliment I will give him is that he could have gotten through his life with a stupid name, not there really is such a thing as stupid names.

Morrisey will never be a Lemmy, Iommi, Madonna, Prince, Iggy, Keef, Suggs, Twiggy, Rooney or even a Liam or a Noel. Who only manage the name thing when mentioned together, which probably gives eyeache. 

The reason I made a point about paying a compliment is because there won’t be any more. I want to help you move on and paying tribute to what will be behind you won’t help that. We should look at where we are standing. This is a crossroads. Which is appropriate as we are talking about music. Behind us is Smithdom, in front of you there are three paths. One of them is a path of darkness, the trees allow no life. It is a path of pungent opium smoke, fire coloured spiders, low ebbing sounds but a sense in the distance that there is much sex and violence in reward for taking the adventerous path. The second path is one that Three Imaginary Boys will lead you on, a path of hairspray and lipstick applied in a rush. The third path we will talk about when we get there.

The obvious first point is how we came to be standing here together. Well, really, why are you standing here? I am here for you to read. Why are you standing here?

Here we are in Morrisey’s shoes. They are sad, dark brown loafers with nothing to say, and people say the clothes maketh the man! Maybe getting your shoes from the same chainstore as Nigel Farage gets his sandals means that not only does style rub off when you are with such esteemed fashion icons, but you can also share notes on messiah complexes. If I could see past the end of my red Doc Marten’s then I would be down there with you lads. Maybe I could get some shoes in case I want to start teaching geography in two thousand and two. What is the point of having a messiah complex if you are going to be understated in your dress? The humble “one of us!” messiah has been done already, my messianic fantasies involve threatening heels.

What was the appeal that got you to explore Morrisey and The Smiths, what are the enduring qualities that could make it hard to move on? I will continue to not show any respect for Morrisey, and to a far lesser extent The Smiths. What I don’t want to do is show disrespect to you, I am honoured by you reading this far.

“If I met Vic Reeves, I’d have no desire other than to smack him in the face.”

Morrisey

Morrisey may be the reason you are a vegetarian, a proud bookworm or any other kind of misfit in our world. The late twentieth century had as many awkward weirdos as there have always been and a space of culture away from Punk, Heavy  Metal or Football was definitely needed at the time. Well done for getting into reading and music when so many other scenes didn’t come without violence.

You have chosen a hill to fight on, and I admire that, but you don’t need to live and die for Morrisey. You don’t have to feel anything when people like me badmouth Morrisey. You don’t have to test your own patience for mockery. At no point have I known Morrisey to seem to do anything nice for his fans, so I don’t know why any fan would defend him. An attack on Morrisey isn’t an attack on Indie music, it is not an attack on Manchester or Salford. He is enough of a bastard to ensure that all the fire stays right on the woodpile at his feet and nobody else needs to be burned. So step aside and let me start my ultimate barbeque party!

Beyond the rubbish tunes, posturing and woe-is-me preening, by far the greatest reason to turn to better, brighter, lights to follow is Morissey's blatant support of the far right. You're a fan, you know the list, I'm sure better than I do. National Front disco, dodgy iconography and pin badges. Let alone what's actually come out of his mouth. I can't bring myself to delve into his filthy, nationalistic laundry any further. But my question is - why hasn't all this enough to turn your back on him and his gladioli for good?

You may even think he is just being a troll and think that is something to admire. There are some excellent trolls out there who succeed in winding up prudes and make light of political correctness without empowering fascists. There is a very wide margin to do this in and the establishment nowadays is more shocked by islamophobia being challenged than condemned. David Cameron said The Queen is Dead is his favourite album. Go fuck a pig with your bestie if you think that Morrisey is anything but sicophantic towards the ruling classes. 

“If you call someone racist in modern Britain you are telling them that you have run out of words. You are shutting the debate down and running off. The word is meaningless now. Everyone ultimately prefers their own race … does this make everyone racist?”

Morrisey

What you have right now is the opportunity to turn your back on Morrisey and become a better person. That is the power of heroes, you can toss them aside more easily than idols. If you have idolized Morrisey, the experience may have more pain in store. Let’s pull on that plaster as he hasn’t really earned your respect or interest. What you will be losing is a miserable, bitter, bigoted old git. There isn’t going to be another relevant record or book, don’t wait for one. Explore something else and find a way to fill the Morrisey shaped hole in your life. That hole may be shaped like a four pint jug of milk with a bunch of flowers through the handle. Don’t fill your Morrisey hole with that, maybe put that in the fridge of a fellow Morrisey fan to broach the subject that you are moving on. The posters are coming down and the CDs are going to the charity shop. 

 Now that your bedroom is free of Morrisey merch, lets turn down the lights and explore that first path. I hope the melodrama tempted you suitably. Something I have likely repeated is that Morrisey is miserable. I can’t hate anyone just for being miserable, except for myself every now and then. Some miserable misfits are not lost in sadness, they are lost in thought and appear melancholic. You will still not be alone, enter Glenn Danzig.

What is the difference between Danzig and Morrisey? Danzig is athletic and gothic. Morrisey is fey and at heart a lad. What do they have in common? Why am I bringing someone who would be avoided at any indie disco? Because you should stop going to indie discos! They are the number one cause of Morrisey popularity, people wear Meat is Murder shirts there like they don’t deserve a drink chucked over their head and dance to “This charming man” a song by four not charming men.

Danzig started off as the driving force of a unique band that took the poetry and outrageousness of its genre to another level, transcending expectations and limits, then he went on to form a band that used his own last name and continued his career with his incredibly forceful and driven personality. Sound familiar? 

One fun thing about Morrisey is that his singing style is so distinctive that a perfectly recognisable impression of him can be done by just making noises. His wet, yearning, cringeworthy mewl is a fun noise to make. I often do it as one of my substitutes to whistling while I am pottering about. The same can be done with Danzig. His forceful woahing and growling is as easy to do and it feels much better. When I am washing up and I let out a long Woah! Or growling Go! I feel much more empowered than when I am doing a Morrisey. There is a lot to be said for good posture and it is essential for Danziging and gets in the way of a good Morrisey. Which seems wrong as they are both posturing, but Morrisey’s posture is so grounded it doesn’t feel like it has a point.

Danzig does everything better than Morrisey but something they both do is display excellent wit in interviews. Morrisey however is a sad old poser, he shows a lot of spite to music journalists, I think this is more to do with him failing as one and his awareness that they are on a mission to out him as a fascist. Danzig however is a grumpy old school bastard who simply does not want to be nice and does not get along to get along, he looks like the cousin of Skeletor for a reason. Rather than being a dick in interviews for the sake of his persona, he can on occasion be charming, I am yet to see a single interview with Morrisey like this. The old twat can’t even have tea with Victoria Wood and be civil with her. I don’t know why she tolerated it.

With Danzig you won’t need to leave behind the rude outspoken elements, as he has those in spades. Danzig is quick witted and shows no respect to any journalists who he feels are wasting his time. He has never gone off on one about racism, sexism or nationalism. When he says something dumb, nobody else gets hurt and no fascists feel any empowerment. 

Not keen on Danzig? Too many muscles? Too American? Too punk? All easily understood, I wouldn’t have interrupted the Morrisey train with only one alternative method of transport. Like the drudgery of a rail replacement bus service, this next choice is one you will most likely be familiar with. Robert Smith! I’m sure you saw him coming into this, but as long as you stay in the Morrisey camp he bears mentioning. I can’t see why anyone would choose Morrisey’s personality or music over Robert Smith’s. It probably has something to do with the magnitude of Johnny Marr. Something I have never really understood, but I feel that The Cure have been hampered slightly by none of the band’s other personalities getting or wanting as much attention. When I saw them live it was the first time Roger O’Donnell had played with them in over a decade. That wasn’t a big drama that people would be shocked to see subside like the fallout between Marr and Morrisey, instead it meant that O’Donnell was first to the stage and the set drew heavily from the material he was responsible for. It was great. None of the drama was needed. The music has got that covered. Whereas Morrisey would be the tabloid darling all over again if something like that happened. It would be like the Gallagher brothers had decided to make up with each other and admit they were driving the scooters that chased Princess Diana through the Alma tunnel. That was dark, but I am trying to keep the attention of people who might listen to a Morrisey interview and not pull their hair out. They need saving the most.

When Robert Smith talks he doesn’t stick his chin up for all the mortals to gaze, he is genuinely a shy goth. Shy goths have always been the real poets of England. Not effeminate bullies like Morrisey. If your national pride comes into things like this, then you should still be happier if they made a special edition stamp collection of The Cure than The Smiths. Although that is less likely to happen for The Cure because after all this time they still have punk credibility. The first gig Robert Smith played was at his Catholic boys school and they kicked him out and blamed him for the riot that followed. The first gig The Smiths played was at a fashion show. I don’t wanna knock fashion but it just doesn’t stand up to being one of the best reasons to get kicked out of school.

The biggest difference I can spot between Robert Smith and Morrisey is that I would trust Robert Smith to babysit kids. I would also hug him if I got the chance. Maybe you like The Cure and The Smiths / Morrisey. They definitely don’t like both, so I think they would appreciate you taking a side. 

Maybe some water needs to go under some bridges. Maybe you didn’t like it when Robert Smith had something to say about Morrisey, or someone with a Boys Don’t Cry badge? Maybe the big meanie at the indie disco who ran off with your boyfriend was a card carrying member of The Cure fanclub? Get over it! It’s old news! Stop considering indie discos to be viable choices of venue for a date!

Put some music by The Cure on because I am going to tell you about the third path. Better yet, put on the music by a real underdog! Morrisey may have fooled you by feigning being wounded, but he wasn’t kicked when he was down. Not hard enough anyway! His fans may have taken a lot of licks from skinheads in the dark ages but he probably drinks tea with those same skinheads while they all fawn over racist jokes, of which I am sure he knows many.

The eighties were a goldmine for artistic underdogs. People who really were on your side. I know that memories fade, especially if the eighties were as hedonistic as they look from my era, but it wasn’t all Kylie Minogue, Duran Duran and Wham! It wasn’t all pop. You have your pick of excellent contemporaries. The Cure are my first choice but you also have interesting and outspoken weirdos like Julian Cope, Billy Bragg, Jimbob, Edwyn Collins, Bobby Gillespie, Michael Stipe, Thurston Moore, J Mascis, David Byrne, Ian McCulloch and Jaz Coleman. That’s just the men! Where are the adoring and defensive fans that Siouxsie Sioux deserves? The eighties had an amazing range of women who could fill your Morrisey hole; Debbie Harry, Alice Bag (Alice counts double if its the Latin American connection that drew you to Morrisey), Pauline Black, Chrissie Hynde and Viv Albertine. Viv Albertine has also written books that are much better than Morrisey’s. Funnier, sweeter and more heartbreaking, which with Morrisey isn’t saying much as a slug could have written a more relatable biography. I would wash my hands less thoroughly from slug slime in comparison to Morrisey’s sweat too. 

I have mentioned thirty-four artists that aren’t Morrisey in this rant so far. That’s thirty-four people who are better people than Morrisey, and I even count Madonna in that! Please, get a better hero because it’s not hard. Then you can get rid of your Smiths shirts and treat yourself to some new shirts, preferably from some fun gigs. Then you can wear them to indie discos because you shouldn’t stop going to them because I said so. I mean who do I think I am? Morrisey?

Maybe you are beyond caring and past reaching. Maybe you don’t care what Morrisey does and it’s all about the music for you? I don’t know if you have been reading closely but I have mentioned the incredible music of The Cure more times than has really been necessary. If this is your attitude then why not just double down? Join the Varg Vikernes fanclub! Buy some of GG Allin’s blood soaked Y-Fronts on Ebay! Buy the inevitable Misfits shirt in Proudboy black and gold from Michale Graves! Pull on people's emotions to question the abuse allegations of Michael Jackson! Don’t fight the man in the mirror! Just keep on wasting your affections and cash on terrible people. Speaking of, should I get Frankenstein mugs or shirts made up first? Then you can chuck that in the bin if I end up doing something awful! Because ditching things like that isn’t a big loss, there is always a better person to support.