Welcome to the last week of Monarchy in the UK

It’s the last week of the Monarchy in the UK. The most radical street party since the death of Thatcher led to drinking and dancing at Windrush Square in Brixton and George Square in Glasgow. The last seven days of insensitivity towards subjects who love them. An Equinox as far as dominating bloodlines. The Game of Thrones fanfic from the proud creators of nation states and the most popular edit of the bible to date. So let’s get the most out of this last piece of the drama. One more painful squeeze and maybe we can top some of their juiciest allegations. Paedophilia, Murder, Regicide, Warmongering, Slaving, Thieving, Hoarding, Driving without a license Undemocratic political interference and Fancy Dressing. 

I really hope to see the end of this institution. An end to there being a political and religious figurehead of The Church of England, The United Kingdom and other Commonwealth realms in my lifetime. I hate the appeal to pity that is made when criticizing the monarchy. People ask you to leave the Queen alone. The Queen is not the real target to me, it's the institution. The institutions of monarchy have dissolved in other countries without executions. Of course Exile is a steep penalty as an alternative, but considering there have been monarchs who have committed incredibly smart but violent crimes,  These super villains make themselves known by their style of dress, but the call for justice is not being answered.

 I would happily see our lot ousted in the old fashioned way, either killed by invaders, disgruntled employees or rebels in battle. Maybe put on a public chopping block, which is the more romantic regicide, as it includes courts of law so more Brits can feel justice has been done. The public could feel reassured law and order has not failed, even though court justice might feel like an insult to injury, we would be asking people to betray those they have demonstrated they would rather not. Which would mean that power would not be dismantled, even if the figurehead is dissected. However, none of that would be polite and British enough for some people. It would spoil their afternoon tea or more likely their brunch, so once again I will have to find ways to accommodate other points of view. Well, you can’t please everyone all the time. So please be ensured some people will disagree, you might be one of the lucky ones.

The first part of this fantasy is to imagine that the British are able to see the royal family for what they really are. Which is not as lizards, although that is funny. The majority of brits are more than happy to accept or ignore their shambolic history of embezzlement, cruelty and regression. The Brits don’t see the hierarchy and harm of the class system, which should be of particular concern because there aren’t the same assets of empire to draw upon, we are not under the heel of the empire like subjects of a colony are we? We don’t work against our own best interests for a centralized honeypot for Serco and the military do we? So let’s just imagine the royal family is suddenly seen for what it is, and is then dealt with, like a beehive within a precious family urn. 

So the big decision has finally been made to turf out the Saxe-Coburg-Gotha clan aka The Windsors aka The cast of Netflix’s The Crown. We have decided we are definitely, definitely not going with the traditional heads off, big cheer, street party dismissal. Just usher them away from power. Even if that means that popular or unpopular representatives of the new order (or lack of order) are stripped of the opportunity to show off the heads while riding about on a big red topless bus. Which is a shame as what could be more British than that? They could blare out The Prodigy and have a precession of ice cream vans following behind for the kids. Fine, what follows is my reluctant compromise. Ain’t I a sweetie!

The Queen is a very lucky lady and she has some really lovely stuff. She is your landlord’s landlord’s landlord after all. She has an entitlement to nice stuff. Of all her stuff, the commodity I want to put top of the list for what she gets to keep is The Queen Elizabeth II Ocean Liner, affectionately called simply The QE2. Which, If Elizabeth ever gets into Graffiti would be an excellent tag for her to use. 

The QE2 no longer ferries well-to-do cruisers around old bastions of empire. It now exists as a hotel in Dubai. I am almost certain that a Dubai hotelier would be very happy to accommodate the collection of the royal family and their entourage. The ship could be made seaworthy and then sent on the thirteen day voyage to come and relieve the British Isles of their former monarch. Meanwhile, the royals can wait in the Tower of London. Which would be an excellent boost to the tourism we apparently owe to the royals.

Once the QE2 moors at the British Isles, the royals will be sent packing. They will be able to stuff the boat with as many people and relics that belong to them as they wish. This would help them in whatever endeavour they have planned next for their lives. They are apparently a superior people after all, so they should be fine. An opportunity that could be taken here would be the return of the Elgin marbles. They could pack them and set sail for Athens, offer their apologies for not returning them when they should have. They might be given a modest home to live in, or be allowed to live in a moored QE2. Not a bad ending to the story at all that.

The Parthenon could take the chance to boost the already booming tourism by caging and displaying the former British royals. Then we would be able to see how quantifiable that tourism cash really is. See how many feeding time tickets can be sold. Sorry if this is all too cruel for you, imagining the royals in Athenian captivity. I am not including this part in my plans. Once they are clear of british waters, they can do anything they want, so long as they don’t come back. They apparently have a lot of friends all over the world. I can’t think of a better time to call old friends than when you are kicked out of home. Pack up a lot of gin with your branding and regalia guys, because you are going to be guests somewhere else now.

It creates a really romantic image doesn’t it? The royals setting off into the sunset. It would give those who miss them the chance to wave them away from ports and beaches. For those royalists who really think they can’t live without them? They can get on the boat too, if the royals care enough to make room for their biggest fans. The phrase “get in the sea” could even begin to have positive connotations about loyalty in time.

At time of writing, the most recent royal bereavement was of Lady Mary Colman. Who has set off into a sunset of another kind.

This doesn’t have to be my own precious little fantasy. This could be one of the historical events of our lifetime. This can be the British Isles deciding it will no longer live under an order of hierarchy and dominance that has been here for almost one thousand years. A deranged hobby of a few violent people that led to dominating regimes and death all over the world. Let’s do what is right for the memory of the millions killed and enslaved by The British Empire. Let’s do away with the institute that is at the heart of that shame. The alternative offered at present seems to be to keep pretending we are as devious and capable of war as we last were over one hundred years ago and keep hoping that none of the many nations we have slighted takes us to task. 

Even if they are lizards, you're not scared are you? We don’t need to wait for a new Cromwell who would elevate themselves to their place. We would not be the first people or the last people to shrug off the monarchy and take a chance at power being given to the people. Who knows, maybe even the figureheads themselves will be happier people as a result.