Manly advice for all the “not all men” men.

International women’s day kicked off a real shitter of a week. It is a time to reflect on violence against women, women’s body autonomy and the women’s rights movement. In 2021 however, the patriarchy and powers of Britain have decided to help women by really rubbing their noses in the problems they face all the time extra hard for seven days. Really give the ladies a good reminder that their fight for civil and civic rights is far from over. Really supportive of them to give women’s rights groups a boost in numbers for this special time of year. Women are inured to violence to an extent but this badly timed series of slaps in the face was really uncalled for. That’s the patriarchy for you though, really not great at reading the room.

International make it harder than it needs to be a woman week was topped off spectacularly by Anglican Mother’s day. I was torn between getting my Mum an ACAB bumper sticker or a false beard so she can attend men’s spaces in safety. A scented candle would have made a sentimental and pertinent gift but I was worried she might have it knocked from her hands to get the cuffs on at any annoying vigils she might attend in the near future.

Through all of this though, who has really been there? Through thick and thin? Always there to try and make others miss the point? Good old male fragility. The paladins of patriarchy, stepping into the breach opinions first and brainpower last and of course, self awareness a non runner. What is the battle cry this time men? What guttural commanding advice do you have for us all this time?

Not all men.

Are you all trying to preemptively emasculate yourselves in order to save face? Worried that any use of nuance or rationale might be too effeminate? Worried about warming up the boy brain with all these men watching? So many of you worms who want to do your bit to impress other men with your united masculinity have really missed the mark.

I’m not the butch manly tough guy that my big mouth might have you think but I know what the most masculine activities are. They are confronting men and having sex with men as a man. The confrontation can be a difficult conversation or maybe even a fight but it is definitely not the manly option to have a sulk about it. It’s not manly to be apathetic, where is your sense of honour? It’s not the manly option to not only shrug off any responsibility you may hold, or to spend any time analyzing your own behaviour. There are men out there who are abusive scum bags. Women have been telling us this for years. Even more women have been suffering in silence. There are nonces out there and where does your loyalty lie? With men as a collective. Sounds like you are scared of upsetting any nonces lads. Maybe it's time you got your knickers in a twist about something bigger than yourself and stood up to bullies. 

Men are not the victims here. They are not a scapegoat. They are not only more likely to commit crimes like matricide, incest, rape and sexual abuse, they are also statistically more likely to get away with it than face any kind of justice. In case you haven’t yet noticed it isn’t about all men. It’s about a failing system that leaves abusers alone at the expense of women’s safety and at the expense of justice. 

Why are we in this position? We are not here because sex criminals have become smarter than ever. We have gotten to this position because so many men have been protected. The #metoo movement took an embarrassing amount of time to get powerful men who took advantage of people to task, let alone to get them in courts and eventually prisons, many escaped scrutiny and justice all together. Judges have gone soft on rapists and nonces. This has made some women understand for a long time that their safety is in their own hands. Which is why they are all standing up to this together, it is the best chance for their strength to win out.

This kind of bullshit is incongruous to any sense of superiority Brits love to hold over other nations and religions for our western values. We are at the bottom of the barrel and if you have taken the time to say “not all men” then you are a part of the problem because apathy about women’s safety doesn’t need a boost. Men don’t deserve a collective pat on the back for what women have achieved so far for their rights. Playing the sides in this reeks of playing the odds and standing at the back of the fight. Big man.

So well done son, not all men. Not all men are rapists, some men are a part of humanity and others have isolated themselves because of their frustration. They don’t want to get anything from women because they are lonely. They want to hurt someone to experience a sense of domination that they feel entitled to. The mindset of an abuser is not like other men, but the more men rally to each other when they are not the ones in harm's way helps them blend in. Helps them multiply. You are making manhood itself into the shadow alleyway abusers prey from.

Not all men are embarrassed by being lumped in with those bleating “not all men” but enough of us are that we don’t want to put up with your egos. Enough of us would much rather learn from what women have to say. Enough of us are ready to do what is right in order to make women’s lives better. If it is more important to you that the semantics of the statement “not all men” are heard again and again amongst heartbreaking testimonials from women who have been face to face with endemic male violence then you really are pathetic. 

Women are bearing themselves open so that they can be heard, because the stats and consistent news of violence against women hasn’t changed things. If women’s rights groups want to galvanize and make a change then let them appeal to those who can understand and listen. Shut the fuck up and sit down. You don’t need to give up your rights for them to have rights but you think “not all men” is a point that needs saying so I am not going to give you the standard credit for what you do and don’t understand. Just shut up for five minutes and let some women speak. Honestly men, its all nag nag nag with you, do you ever shut up?

I know that if you say “not all men” you are more than likely to be a man, but anyone’s loyalty to the patriarchy is misplaced and won’t be rewarded. The real reward comes from the challenge of confrontation, whether that confrontation is between you and another or maybe you should just have a word with yourself.

Either way. Here is a chance to stand up for women in the face of violence. You could make yourself present at a Kill the Bill rally and get between a woman and a cop. Or you can continue not protecting women, and stand up for the patriarchy by way of your ego, just don’t be an indignant little bitch about it by saying “not all men”.