I EXIST

No Mercy for the Obsolete.

Dungeonsynth is an idiosyncratic offshoot of black metal that is played on synthesizers and has an abundance of atmospherics which creates an immersive experience relating to fantastical, horror and medieval scenarios and narratives. Any assumptions you made based on the genre’s name are likely to be correct. It sounds like music made by people doomed to spend their time in a dungeon with a synthesizer.

 

The earliest dungeonsynth was created by Mortiis. A grumpy little goblin man. I don’t mean that in a derogatory sense. Mortiis really is a Goblin, he has pointy ears and a long nose and he is one of the strangest characters to emerge from the black metal scene. 

 

Mortiis played bass in the band Emperor who were the first black metal band to add symphonic elements to their sound with keyboards and synthesizers, which gave their music an impressive icy texture. Mortiis claims he left the band because black metal had become suddenly boring to him. He recorded and self-released a cassette called The Song of a Long Forgotten Ghost. The music was not black metal. It was like a soundtrack to a fantasy video game played on a selection of synthesizers and drum machines. It maintained the oppressive and isolated atmosphere of black metal but it did not have the same impact. Poor Mortiis became the whipping boy of the black metal scene. Nobody who took the album seriously was willing to put their rep on the line and say they enjoyed it. Mortiis has since been very open about how this reaction of negativity sent him into a deep depression. He did continue to create music in this style on his own label named Dark Dungeon Music. These releases generated their own cult following.

 

Mortiis found musical success with his synth driven gothic industrial music, particularly the albums Smell of Rain and The Grudge. This was an era of Mortiis’ career that reintroduced rock elements as well as a powerful gothic atmosphere which is more accessible than the earlier Dark Dungeon Music releases. This wouldn’t be the only vindication for the work of Mortiis’, the Dungeonsynth revival is not one anyone could have predicted. I hope Mortiis feels a sense of pride in the rich array of artists who are in debt to his work which was not appreciated at the time.

 

Dungeonsynth is seeing an incredible revival. In the early 2010s atmospheric black metal had a surge in popularity. Factors that lead to this are likely to be from an increase in isolation and loneliness that were on the rise at the time. Global lockdowns during 2020 and 2021 have meant that more people have wanted something with this atmosphere. Additionally, more and more tabletop RPG groups are popping up all over the world and dungeonsynth is an excellent choice of music for immersion, which is a crucial part of the enjoyment of these games.

 

Mortiis wasn’t the only black metal musician to make the crossover to create dungeonsynth. Satyr Wongraven of the band Satyricon made an excellent album under the moniker Wongraven in 1995. The crossbow carrying, truck driving and ex YouTube ranter Varg Vikerness also created dungeonsynth music, however, staying true to his usual unpleasant, pretentious and boring nature, he wouldn’t call it something creative like Dark Dungeon Music. No, old Vargy considers his music to be ambient. As broad and unhelpful a musical genre moniker as Classical. Also one that puts his music artificially above Dark Dungeon Music when it comes to seeking respect.

 

I have covered the history of Mayhem and Burzum previously (To The Death!) so I won’t tell it again like an old joke here. The important factor is that Varg AKA Lord Grishnakh* went to prison for 21 years in prison, the maximum sentence in Norway for the crimes of arson, murder and most frightening, although also most often forgotten, stockpiling explosives for a terrorist attack on a church in full attendance. Norwegian prison is known for being the most comfortable, survivable and reforming prison system in the world. Lord Grishnakh was not allowed his electric guitars, bass and drum kit but as concession he was allowed a synthesizer. This most dungeon like situation conceivable in the 1990s did not bring about the most interesting dungeonsynth music. There are some interesting melodies amongst it but the music is more pompous than atmospheric. If I was being kind I would say it is the soundtrack to a defiant Viking, not allowing his enemies the satisfaction of seeing his remorse. However, I am not kind and Lord Grishnakh deserves no kindness. This ambient music has an emptiness to it. It repeats itself less than Mortiis’ compositions but it feels like it repeats itself more. Lord Grishnakh is a monotonous, old fashioned repetitive bore and this music paints a clear picture of the man.

 

Don’t get me wrong, there are some interesting parts amongst both his black metal and ambient music but here’s the thing. You don’t need it. You definitely don't need it from him.

 

Atmospheric Black Metal and Dungeonsynth no longer have to come from the miniscule Norwegian black metal scene. You don’t have to navigate between artists who have committed awful hate crimes or used their fame to spread ridiculous pseudoscience, fascism, hatred and national socialism. It never made sense that such an artistic scene of outsiders had such an outspoken element of authoritarian conservatism. Skinny weirdos in face paint would have ended on the pyres and in the graves of the third reich. The most referenced novel amongst the black metal and dungeonsynth scenes The Lord of the Rings was specifically sought and destroyed by the Nazi authorities. The antifascist intention of Tolkien may have been lost on his fanboys in this instance, but Hitler certainly knew how dangerous Tolkien’s literature was to his ideology.

 

Burzum was a part of my musical journey in my youth. I sought out outsider music. I thought his imprisonment was for murder and church burning only, which at the time appealed to me. Later, when I learned he was a national socialist I was appalled. What business does someone like that have making art? I knew I couldn’t be the only person who wanted an atmospheric black metal fix but who also wasn’t a total wanker. I discovered bands like Wolves in the Throne Room and the wider Cascadian scene. Music which was heavily inspired by nature and made by those with a respect for nature and no respect for authority. The feeling of discovering this music was not just a relief. It felt like a reconciliation at last between what black metal had made me feel and what I thought it meant. Liberation and empowerment of the individual. Connection with nature and the past. Respect to the narrative, atmospherics and heroism of high fantasy. Why would I ever need to compromise with Burzum again? It reminded me of another experience in my life when I learned a local bookseller was a nonce, I just went to different book shops, I didn’t miss out on my literature and he never saw me or my money again.

 

The artistic output of Lord Grishnakh is now obsolete. Despite those who are supportive or indifferent to his politics still giving him fanfare in deluded, sycophantic praise in the comments section of his YouTube videos. You may feel like you float, or that you are going into battle when you listen to his music but it takes more than his music to create those conditions and he is not the only artist who achieves this effect on listeners. You don’t have to get this musical kick from the world’s worst wizard impersonator. Black metal can now be easily navigated to avoid giving time or money to fascists thanks to Branca Studio and Antifascist Black Metal Network who have both created playlists and registers of artists who are proud to say they are not like the ugliest totems on the scene. It is a simple act but it is one that makes the scene safer and more creative. You can always still be a gatekeeper, just use better judgement when it comes to who gets access to the dungeon.

 

Hopefully Dungeonsynth will have a similar triage in the future, that way Old Tower and other fash posers in the scene can face the same strangulation of becoming obsolete to those who want more than sounds and gestures from their music.

 

Let their insincere screams for free speech echo through the corridors of dungeons, while the music of true outsiders and true creatives is celebrated in the hearth. Let us feel empathy for those who make music inspired by their pain, not savour the bitterness of those who want pain inflicted upon others for their mere existence.

 

If you really want it darker than dark then give your attention to those who succumbed to their pain. Secret Stairways committed suicide before his music found anything like the audience it has. Sacramosis’ music has become progressively darker as her chronic illness has begun to force her into hiatus. This is the TRVE CVLT. Not privileged bullies who are so afraid of anything different from them that they want to see it repressed and destroyed.

 

*Not the real Lord Grishnakh from Lord of The Rings who wanted to eat Pippin and Merry’s legs and ended up being squashed by Treebeard. To be crushed by an Ent would be something I would be entertained to witness or hear of happening to Varg Vikerness, so if anyone knows how to contact an Ent then please help that happen.

 To the Death!!!

Consensual violence. This one comes with a content warning for the squeamish as I am going to be unapologetically glorifying certain aspects of violence. I’m not likely to be partaking in the actual pugilism as I’m not as hard as my big mouth might suggest, but I am going to make the argument that violence deserves a place in our values and our free time. My level will likely remain where it has been for aggression, regular mosh pits and the occasional demo turned riot.




I haven’t had that much damage from mosh pits. I have taken a lot of bruise medals home but that’s nothing in the scheme of things. I was once in an audience of four people, also the most gymnastic pit I have ever been in, with one of us off the ground at all times! In the end a guy went over the top and ended up breaking his leg. It wasn’t the worst break in the world, more crackture than fracture, but a broken bone is a broken bone. I was partly responsible, but only as responsible as him. Apart from the injury and recovery for the damaged punk there were no further repercussions. When we all turned up at the next gig deemed loud enough to attend, we were all allowed in, and we weren’t scolded. We just told the story, or rather other people did.




The point being, it could have been my leg. In the same position I would have wanted the same response from the place (The Horseshoe RIP) as they gave my fellow mosher - ‘Don’t fuck with the venue’. When we started to tussle and thrash in front of an aggressive punk band we had mutually consented to violence. I was about sixteen at the time so I can think of a fair few more traumatic things I could have consented to.




Another kind of violence I experienced in my teens was “Grunger bashing”, which has a lot of different names around the country. This had a big crossover with “gay bashing” which is an even older tradition. Sometimes the person punching me would hate me for being queer and the other that was kicking me would hate me for being a grunger. In my mind at the time I was straight and a punk but semantics aren’t the most important things while you are taking knocks. This kind of violence would often leave me less damaged than the most aggressive gigs but it was certainly an experience I wanted to do without. That’s the point, the punch I am trying to land. Life is pain and violence happens. Preventions of consensual violence do not prevent violence, they just restrict our rights.




One of the times I was attacked, I tried to sell the idea of honorable combat to my attackers. I explained to them that they are in a group and if they want to have a fight so desperately they could fight each other. I didn’t get through to them.




The idea of consensual violence is not new or unexplored in history or popular culture. The duel allowed gentlemen to settle their scores in an orderly fashion at dawn with pistols. Duels also had the benefit of leaving very little to clean up afterwards. Chuck Palahniuk’s Fight Club being one of the most exquisite and fun to watch explorations of the role of violence in society and contemporary masculinity. Who didn’t love a bit of Celebrity Death Match on a Friday night? The 90s and early noughties claymation series pitted celebrities against each other in professional style wrestling matches that heavily featured gory violence and extreme injuries that only an animated figure could withstand. I also can’t help but think that if the football hooligans of the 80s and 90s had been given the stadium post matches to sort out their grievances, Britain and football would both have benefited. Families or those that would rather not clock in at the football factory could have left safely before the 2nd kick off of the day. Participants would have agreed to pay for the St John’s ambulance to be there to patch them up, and to mop up and take their litter with them. Gold cups all round.




If adults could consent to violence, we would still have bullies. There will always be those who would prefer to fight someone that is unprepared, because unlike their challenger, they have not gone out with the intention of fighting.




But what if the bullies were faced with a real challenge? If all those going out to pick a fight and throw their weight around to prove how tough they are got together. They could build a reputation through combat with others also wanting to be considered the toughest in town. There wouldn’t be an ongoing struggle to be top dog decided by who could take out the most aggression on the unsuspecting after the pub on a Friday night. People would know they are top dog because they would have proved it. Just as in boxing, the champions of the world in their respective classes would know their position and face challengers to defend it. There would be an ongoing series of challenges, rather than people notching up a reputation through random acts of violence. Those that took part would also have a recognised honour that they do not have now.




There is a precedent for this in bare-knuckle fighting. The original form of boxing matches would see contenders fight with their hands unbound and glove free. The difference between bare-knuckle fighting and a straight up street fight is the adherence to an approved set of rules. The longest bare-knuckle fight is recorded as lasting 6 hours and 15 minutes back in Victoria, Australia, August of 1855. Though a fight that long might challenge the attention span of a 21st century crowd, there has been the emergence of contemporary bare-knuckle promoters like the BKFC and the BKB where officially sanctioned bare-knuckle champions are still crowned. Nice one fellas.




While maintaining respect for bare knuckle champs past and present, I have my own vision of a way for the modern human to consensually have at another.




Wacken Open Air is a heavy metal festival that takes place in Germany. Fans and bands alike travel from all over the world to see all kinds of rock music. I would love to be one of the 85,000 attendees one day. It holds a special place amongst the metal community. It attracts great line ups and has an excellent representation of the eternally pleasing warlike gothic aesthetics associated with this kind of Rock and Roll. In 2016 they introduced Wasteland camping, which is a Mad Max style campsite in the middle of a festival. I know the metal gods must be pleased by that.




But I have a dream, one which could be very easily viewed as a nightmare by some. A dark dream of a place where the blackest metal known to mankind and consensual fights to the death would be celebrated under the most gloriously metal structure ever built.




My vision is to take Wacken’s beautiful wasteland campsite and add a centerpiece - a kind of epic heavy metal thunderdome. It could be spiky on the inside and would feature pyrotechnics. I think a colosseum shape would meet the crowds’ expectations and provide better disability access than a dome, but dome aesthetics would be ideal. A band could provide the warm up for the fight and the PA would play cult black metal throughout the fight.




Of course, every death match needs contenders. I have chosen Wacken as the hallowed site for my vision to be realized because metal band Mayhem have been performers there several times. Mayhem have the most dramatic history of any rock group. Fleetwood Mac? Sex Pistols? Not even close! There are excellent tellings of their story out there so I will give you the Frankenstein Jones summary.




Mayhem are among the founders of the black metal scene and genre. Formed in 1984 in Oslo, Norway, they played their groundbreaking, extreme metal all over EuropeMetal that is still considered extreme to this day. In 1991 their death obsessed singer, known as Dead, committed suicide. Euronymous, the founder of the band had been bullying Dead. He had manipulated Dead, pushing him into more and more isolating situations, wanting Dead to make good on his threats to end his life. He saw this as a way of fulfilling his bleak elitist destiny for a band that was representative of his worldview.




“What do I think about Dead in Mayhem? Well, what can you possibly say about someone who can starve himself to death for days, just to see how his body will look like? I've always wanted someone like that in my band.”

Euronymous




Dead was found in the practice space with his wrists and throat cut. He had killed himself by firing a shotgun into his forehead.




Euronymous found Dead’s body. Then he went shopping for a disposable camera and took photographs of the death scene, which he interfered with to create the best shots. The drummer Hellhammer developed the photos which went on to feature in the grizzly album art for the live bootleg Dawn of the Black Hearts, a collection of live performances by Dead. The emotional outpouring of resentment and spiteful encouragement can be heard coming from an audience who were not only experiencing a brutally loud band, but also witnessing Dead inflict wounds on himself with glass or knives.




Pieces of Dead’s skull, pilfered from his suicide scene by Euronymous were given as gifts to other members of the black metal scene that he deemed worthy of such a morbid trophy. Because of this behavior Necrobutcher, founding member of the band and bassist who features in the present line up of Mayhem, decided he had had enough and left the band. Dead’s suicide note reflected the influence of poet Edgar Poe. “I am not a human being, this is just a dream. Soon I will wake.”




A new singer and bass player stepped in called Occultus, who left after receiving a death threat from Euronymous. By now this was common behaviour for Euronymous. Members Count Grishnackh, Attila Csihar and Blackthorn joined and work began on the Album Die Mysteriis Dom Sathanas. Count Grishnackh and Euronymous had started to amass explosives and intended to use them to blow up Nidaros Cathedral, which features on the album art. Count Grishnackh, Euronymous and others had already committed arson attacks on other churches in Norway so this was not a fluke or empty gesture on their part.




Depression, bullying and hatred were still a big part of the band. Count Grishnackh had learned that Euronymous had been trying to recruit people in the black metal scene to kidnap, then make a snuff film of him being tortured to death. Grishnackh was driven from Bergen to Oslo by Blackthorn to confront Euronymous. What happened next is a grey area as Count Grishnackh insisted he acted in self defense. Euronymous was found dead outside of his apartment with 23 laceration wounds. Count Grishnackh was arrested and given Norway’s maximum sentence of 21 years for murder, posessetion of illegal explosives and the church burnings.




What a ride! What a mess!




Euronymous does not seem to be missed by anyone, neither those within his inner circle or the authorities who wanted to suppress his music and scene. When Necrobutcher was interviewed by Consequence of Sound in 2019 he stated:




“I wanted to kill that fucker in the end. He ... Imagine that somebody you think is your friend coming home and finding your other friend killed themselves and took pictures of their dead body. Who the fuck in their right mind would do anything like that?

"Everybody should have the little bit of intelligence to know that, that's gotta be somebody completely stripped from empathy and normal emotions. And really a bad fucking person. But now he's a fucking hero! And it's like, OK, I've always talked good about him, never wanted to talk bad about the dead, but this has gone too far now.

He's the big hero? No, he's the big fucking asshole, that's who he is. The betrayal — he betrayed his friends and the bad karma in the end came and took him. I never cried a tear for that guy.

I can't help it. Anything that wronged me has to be right."

So, we have our first contender! Necrobutcher was prepared to kill Euronymous. I don’t know if he hates Count Grishnackh as much as the majority of metal fans but he is not squeamish about killing people, and there are certainly many wrongs in the history of Mayhem he would have the opportunity to put right with violence.

Count Grishnackh was released from prison in 2009 and has been spreading vile, unscientific white supremacy, antisemitism, authoritarianism and all around hateful nonsense in the whining tones of a disgraced yoga instructor. He loves wearing full camo gear and looks like Timothy Mcveigh if he had paid the best lawyers on the planet. Step up our second contender!

So the scene is set. The dome is erected. The metal is loud. Our contenders are ready to draw blood. In order to generate the most honour for the occasion, the weapons should be medieval close combat weapons. Knowing Necrobutcher and Count Grishnackh, they will definitely have their own to bring from home, and if not I am sure a fan would be happy to gift them a suitably grimdark implement.

If Tina Turner is not available to MC the fight, then I would be honoured to host the event. Though I am telling you now, I will not be able to resist announcing the Count as Cunt Grishnackh. It’s the nicest introduction I can think of for a white supremiscist like contender number two. I look forward to placing a bet on his decapitation, doubling my pleasure at the sight of it.



Maybe I’ll see you on the wasteland - snakebite and black in hand, war-painted and thirsty for blood and a thoroughly enjoyable afternoon. I mean, if two adult black metal musicians with a litany of grudges are not able to consent and accept the risk of a gladiatorial contest to the death under a dome on the gothic wastelands of Germany, then what rights of body autonomy do any of us have?

 

Manly advice for all the “not all men” men.

International women’s day kicked off a real shitter of a week. It is a time to reflect on violence against women, women’s body autonomy and the women’s rights movement. In 2021 however, the patriarchy and powers of Britain have decided to help women by really rubbing their noses in the problems they face all the time extra hard for seven days. Really give the ladies a good reminder that their fight for civil and civic rights is far from over. Really supportive of them to give women’s rights groups a boost in numbers for this special time of year. Women are inured to violence to an extent but this badly timed series of slaps in the face was really uncalled for. That’s the patriarchy for you though, really not great at reading the room.

International make it harder than it needs to be a woman week was topped off spectacularly by Anglican Mother’s day. I was torn between getting my Mum an ACAB bumper sticker or a false beard so she can attend men’s spaces in safety. A scented candle would have made a sentimental and pertinent gift but I was worried she might have it knocked from her hands to get the cuffs on at any annoying vigils she might attend in the near future.

Through all of this though, who has really been there? Through thick and thin? Always there to try and make others miss the point? Good old male fragility. The paladins of patriarchy, stepping into the breach opinions first and brainpower last and of course, self awareness a non runner. What is the battle cry this time men? What guttural commanding advice do you have for us all this time?

Not all men.

Are you all trying to preemptively emasculate yourselves in order to save face? Worried that any use of nuance or rationale might be too effeminate? Worried about warming up the boy brain with all these men watching? So many of you worms who want to do your bit to impress other men with your united masculinity have really missed the mark.

I’m not the butch manly tough guy that my big mouth might have you think but I know what the most masculine activities are. They are confronting men and having sex with men as a man. The confrontation can be a difficult conversation or maybe even a fight but it is definitely not the manly option to have a sulk about it. It’s not manly to be apathetic, where is your sense of honour? It’s not the manly option to not only shrug off any responsibility you may hold, or to spend any time analyzing your own behaviour. There are men out there who are abusive scum bags. Women have been telling us this for years. Even more women have been suffering in silence. There are nonces out there and where does your loyalty lie? With men as a collective. Sounds like you are scared of upsetting any nonces lads. Maybe it's time you got your knickers in a twist about something bigger than yourself and stood up to bullies. 

Men are not the victims here. They are not a scapegoat. They are not only more likely to commit crimes like matricide, incest, rape and sexual abuse, they are also statistically more likely to get away with it than face any kind of justice. In case you haven’t yet noticed it isn’t about all men. It’s about a failing system that leaves abusers alone at the expense of women’s safety and at the expense of justice. 

Why are we in this position? We are not here because sex criminals have become smarter than ever. We have gotten to this position because so many men have been protected. The #metoo movement took an embarrassing amount of time to get powerful men who took advantage of people to task, let alone to get them in courts and eventually prisons, many escaped scrutiny and justice all together. Judges have gone soft on rapists and nonces. This has made some women understand for a long time that their safety is in their own hands. Which is why they are all standing up to this together, it is the best chance for their strength to win out.

This kind of bullshit is incongruous to any sense of superiority Brits love to hold over other nations and religions for our western values. We are at the bottom of the barrel and if you have taken the time to say “not all men” then you are a part of the problem because apathy about women’s safety doesn’t need a boost. Men don’t deserve a collective pat on the back for what women have achieved so far for their rights. Playing the sides in this reeks of playing the odds and standing at the back of the fight. Big man.

So well done son, not all men. Not all men are rapists, some men are a part of humanity and others have isolated themselves because of their frustration. They don’t want to get anything from women because they are lonely. They want to hurt someone to experience a sense of domination that they feel entitled to. The mindset of an abuser is not like other men, but the more men rally to each other when they are not the ones in harm's way helps them blend in. Helps them multiply. You are making manhood itself into the shadow alleyway abusers prey from.

Not all men are embarrassed by being lumped in with those bleating “not all men” but enough of us are that we don’t want to put up with your egos. Enough of us would much rather learn from what women have to say. Enough of us are ready to do what is right in order to make women’s lives better. If it is more important to you that the semantics of the statement “not all men” are heard again and again amongst heartbreaking testimonials from women who have been face to face with endemic male violence then you really are pathetic. 

Women are bearing themselves open so that they can be heard, because the stats and consistent news of violence against women hasn’t changed things. If women’s rights groups want to galvanize and make a change then let them appeal to those who can understand and listen. Shut the fuck up and sit down. You don’t need to give up your rights for them to have rights but you think “not all men” is a point that needs saying so I am not going to give you the standard credit for what you do and don’t understand. Just shut up for five minutes and let some women speak. Honestly men, its all nag nag nag with you, do you ever shut up?

I know that if you say “not all men” you are more than likely to be a man, but anyone’s loyalty to the patriarchy is misplaced and won’t be rewarded. The real reward comes from the challenge of confrontation, whether that confrontation is between you and another or maybe you should just have a word with yourself.

Either way. Here is a chance to stand up for women in the face of violence. You could make yourself present at a Kill the Bill rally and get between a woman and a cop. Or you can continue not protecting women, and stand up for the patriarchy by way of your ego, just don’t be an indignant little bitch about it by saying “not all men”. 

 

Welcome to the last week of Monarchy in the UK

It’s the last week of the Monarchy in the UK. The most radical street party since the death of Thatcher led to drinking and dancing at Windrush Square in Brixton and George Square in Glasgow. The last seven days of insensitivity towards subjects who love them. An Equinox as far as dominating bloodlines. The Game of Thrones fanfic from the proud creators of nation states and the most popular edit of the bible to date. So let’s get the most out of this last piece of the drama. One more painful squeeze and maybe we can top some of their juiciest allegations. Paedophilia, Murder, Regicide, Warmongering, Slaving, Thieving, Hoarding, Driving without a license Undemocratic political interference and Fancy Dressing. 

I really hope to see the end of this institution. An end to there being a political and religious figurehead of The Church of England, The United Kingdom and other Commonwealth realms in my lifetime. I hate the appeal to pity that is made when criticizing the monarchy. People ask you to leave the Queen alone. The Queen is not the real target to me, it's the institution. The institutions of monarchy have dissolved in other countries without executions. Of course Exile is a steep penalty as an alternative, but considering there have been monarchs who have committed incredibly smart but violent crimes,  These super villains make themselves known by their style of dress, but the call for justice is not being answered.

 I would happily see our lot ousted in the old fashioned way, either killed by invaders, disgruntled employees or rebels in battle. Maybe put on a public chopping block, which is the more romantic regicide, as it includes courts of law so more Brits can feel justice has been done. The public could feel reassured law and order has not failed, even though court justice might feel like an insult to injury, we would be asking people to betray those they have demonstrated they would rather not. Which would mean that power would not be dismantled, even if the figurehead is dissected. However, none of that would be polite and British enough for some people. It would spoil their afternoon tea or more likely their brunch, so once again I will have to find ways to accommodate other points of view. Well, you can’t please everyone all the time. So please be ensured some people will disagree, you might be one of the lucky ones.

The first part of this fantasy is to imagine that the British are able to see the royal family for what they really are. Which is not as lizards, although that is funny. The majority of brits are more than happy to accept or ignore their shambolic history of embezzlement, cruelty and regression. The Brits don’t see the hierarchy and harm of the class system, which should be of particular concern because there aren’t the same assets of empire to draw upon, we are not under the heel of the empire like subjects of a colony are we? We don’t work against our own best interests for a centralized honeypot for Serco and the military do we? So let’s just imagine the royal family is suddenly seen for what it is, and is then dealt with, like a beehive within a precious family urn. 

So the big decision has finally been made to turf out the Saxe-Coburg-Gotha clan aka The Windsors aka The cast of Netflix’s The Crown. We have decided we are definitely, definitely not going with the traditional heads off, big cheer, street party dismissal. Just usher them away from power. Even if that means that popular or unpopular representatives of the new order (or lack of order) are stripped of the opportunity to show off the heads while riding about on a big red topless bus. Which is a shame as what could be more British than that? They could blare out The Prodigy and have a precession of ice cream vans following behind for the kids. Fine, what follows is my reluctant compromise. Ain’t I a sweetie!

The Queen is a very lucky lady and she has some really lovely stuff. She is your landlord’s landlord’s landlord after all. She has an entitlement to nice stuff. Of all her stuff, the commodity I want to put top of the list for what she gets to keep is The Queen Elizabeth II Ocean Liner, affectionately called simply The QE2. Which, If Elizabeth ever gets into Graffiti would be an excellent tag for her to use. 

The QE2 no longer ferries well-to-do cruisers around old bastions of empire. It now exists as a hotel in Dubai. I am almost certain that a Dubai hotelier would be very happy to accommodate the collection of the royal family and their entourage. The ship could be made seaworthy and then sent on the thirteen day voyage to come and relieve the British Isles of their former monarch. Meanwhile, the royals can wait in the Tower of London. Which would be an excellent boost to the tourism we apparently owe to the royals.

Once the QE2 moors at the British Isles, the royals will be sent packing. They will be able to stuff the boat with as many people and relics that belong to them as they wish. This would help them in whatever endeavour they have planned next for their lives. They are apparently a superior people after all, so they should be fine. An opportunity that could be taken here would be the return of the Elgin marbles. They could pack them and set sail for Athens, offer their apologies for not returning them when they should have. They might be given a modest home to live in, or be allowed to live in a moored QE2. Not a bad ending to the story at all that.

The Parthenon could take the chance to boost the already booming tourism by caging and displaying the former British royals. Then we would be able to see how quantifiable that tourism cash really is. See how many feeding time tickets can be sold. Sorry if this is all too cruel for you, imagining the royals in Athenian captivity. I am not including this part in my plans. Once they are clear of british waters, they can do anything they want, so long as they don’t come back. They apparently have a lot of friends all over the world. I can’t think of a better time to call old friends than when you are kicked out of home. Pack up a lot of gin with your branding and regalia guys, because you are going to be guests somewhere else now.

It creates a really romantic image doesn’t it? The royals setting off into the sunset. It would give those who miss them the chance to wave them away from ports and beaches. For those royalists who really think they can’t live without them? They can get on the boat too, if the royals care enough to make room for their biggest fans. The phrase “get in the sea” could even begin to have positive connotations about loyalty in time.

At time of writing, the most recent royal bereavement was of Lady Mary Colman. Who has set off into a sunset of another kind.

This doesn’t have to be my own precious little fantasy. This could be one of the historical events of our lifetime. This can be the British Isles deciding it will no longer live under an order of hierarchy and dominance that has been here for almost one thousand years. A deranged hobby of a few violent people that led to dominating regimes and death all over the world. Let’s do what is right for the memory of the millions killed and enslaved by The British Empire. Let’s do away with the institute that is at the heart of that shame. The alternative offered at present seems to be to keep pretending we are as devious and capable of war as we last were over one hundred years ago and keep hoping that none of the many nations we have slighted takes us to task. 

Even if they are lizards, you're not scared are you? We don’t need to wait for a new Cromwell who would elevate themselves to their place. We would not be the first people or the last people to shrug off the monarchy and take a chance at power being given to the people. Who knows, maybe even the figureheads themselves will be happier people as a result.

Life After Morrissey

 I’m not one of you. I don’t share this problem with you; I am not a fan of Morrisey or The Smiths. I don’t like their music, I never understood the appeal. I wouldn’t even want to be in a room with them. I can be that judgemental but fuck it, I have found the best music by being discerning, and I have found the best music by not being discerning.

“It’s hard to be a man. It’s made to be hard and I don’t know why. I think it’s easier to be a woman. The women’s movement has been so successful; the men’s movement has never been accepted. I think it’s not wanted.”

Morrisey

You have to be someone a bit special to do the one name thing. The way you are sure you have earned it is to have a complete name known, but that your fans don’t use it. I don’t know if Morrisey is entirely secretive about his name but he is private. I don’t think that he has a silly name, and I don’t think a silly name would stop him, one compliment I will give him is that he could have gotten through his life with a stupid name, not there really is such a thing as stupid names.

Morrisey will never be a Lemmy, Iommi, Madonna, Prince, Iggy, Keef, Suggs, Twiggy, Rooney or even a Liam or a Noel. Who only manage the name thing when mentioned together, which probably gives eyeache. 

The reason I made a point about paying a compliment is because there won’t be any more. I want to help you move on and paying tribute to what will be behind you won’t help that. We should look at where we are standing. This is a crossroads. Which is appropriate as we are talking about music. Behind us is Smithdom, in front of you there are three paths. One of them is a path of darkness, the trees allow no life. It is a path of pungent opium smoke, fire coloured spiders, low ebbing sounds but a sense in the distance that there is much sex and violence in reward for taking the adventerous path. The second path is one that Three Imaginary Boys will lead you on, a path of hairspray and lipstick applied in a rush. The third path we will talk about when we get there.

The obvious first point is how we came to be standing here together. Well, really, why are you standing here? I am here for you to read. Why are you standing here?

Here we are in Morrisey’s shoes. They are sad, dark brown loafers with nothing to say, and people say the clothes maketh the man! Maybe getting your shoes from the same chainstore as Nigel Farage gets his sandals means that not only does style rub off when you are with such esteemed fashion icons, but you can also share notes on messiah complexes. If I could see past the end of my red Doc Marten’s then I would be down there with you lads. Maybe I could get some shoes in case I want to start teaching geography in two thousand and two. What is the point of having a messiah complex if you are going to be understated in your dress? The humble “one of us!” messiah has been done already, my messianic fantasies involve threatening heels.

What was the appeal that got you to explore Morrisey and The Smiths, what are the enduring qualities that could make it hard to move on? I will continue to not show any respect for Morrisey, and to a far lesser extent The Smiths. What I don’t want to do is show disrespect to you, I am honoured by you reading this far.

“If I met Vic Reeves, I’d have no desire other than to smack him in the face.”

Morrisey

Morrisey may be the reason you are a vegetarian, a proud bookworm or any other kind of misfit in our world. The late twentieth century had as many awkward weirdos as there have always been and a space of culture away from Punk, Heavy  Metal or Football was definitely needed at the time. Well done for getting into reading and music when so many other scenes didn’t come without violence.

You have chosen a hill to fight on, and I admire that, but you don’t need to live and die for Morrisey. You don’t have to feel anything when people like me badmouth Morrisey. You don’t have to test your own patience for mockery. At no point have I known Morrisey to seem to do anything nice for his fans, so I don’t know why any fan would defend him. An attack on Morrisey isn’t an attack on Indie music, it is not an attack on Manchester or Salford. He is enough of a bastard to ensure that all the fire stays right on the woodpile at his feet and nobody else needs to be burned. So step aside and let me start my ultimate barbeque party!

Beyond the rubbish tunes, posturing and woe-is-me preening, by far the greatest reason to turn to better, brighter, lights to follow is Morissey's blatant support of the far right. You're a fan, you know the list, I'm sure better than I do. National Front disco, dodgy iconography and pin badges. Let alone what's actually come out of his mouth. I can't bring myself to delve into his filthy, nationalistic laundry any further. But my question is - why hasn't all this enough to turn your back on him and his gladioli for good?

You may even think he is just being a troll and think that is something to admire. There are some excellent trolls out there who succeed in winding up prudes and make light of political correctness without empowering fascists. There is a very wide margin to do this in and the establishment nowadays is more shocked by islamophobia being challenged than condemned. David Cameron said The Queen is Dead is his favourite album. Go fuck a pig with your bestie if you think that Morrisey is anything but sicophantic towards the ruling classes. 

“If you call someone racist in modern Britain you are telling them that you have run out of words. You are shutting the debate down and running off. The word is meaningless now. Everyone ultimately prefers their own race … does this make everyone racist?”

Morrisey

What you have right now is the opportunity to turn your back on Morrisey and become a better person. That is the power of heroes, you can toss them aside more easily than idols. If you have idolized Morrisey, the experience may have more pain in store. Let’s pull on that plaster as he hasn’t really earned your respect or interest. What you will be losing is a miserable, bitter, bigoted old git. There isn’t going to be another relevant record or book, don’t wait for one. Explore something else and find a way to fill the Morrisey shaped hole in your life. That hole may be shaped like a four pint jug of milk with a bunch of flowers through the handle. Don’t fill your Morrisey hole with that, maybe put that in the fridge of a fellow Morrisey fan to broach the subject that you are moving on. The posters are coming down and the CDs are going to the charity shop. 

 Now that your bedroom is free of Morrisey merch, lets turn down the lights and explore that first path. I hope the melodrama tempted you suitably. Something I have likely repeated is that Morrisey is miserable. I can’t hate anyone just for being miserable, except for myself every now and then. Some miserable misfits are not lost in sadness, they are lost in thought and appear melancholic. You will still not be alone, enter Glenn Danzig.

What is the difference between Danzig and Morrisey? Danzig is athletic and gothic. Morrisey is fey and at heart a lad. What do they have in common? Why am I bringing someone who would be avoided at any indie disco? Because you should stop going to indie discos! They are the number one cause of Morrisey popularity, people wear Meat is Murder shirts there like they don’t deserve a drink chucked over their head and dance to “This charming man” a song by four not charming men.

Danzig started off as the driving force of a unique band that took the poetry and outrageousness of its genre to another level, transcending expectations and limits, then he went on to form a band that used his own last name and continued his career with his incredibly forceful and driven personality. Sound familiar? 

One fun thing about Morrisey is that his singing style is so distinctive that a perfectly recognisable impression of him can be done by just making noises. His wet, yearning, cringeworthy mewl is a fun noise to make. I often do it as one of my substitutes to whistling while I am pottering about. The same can be done with Danzig. His forceful woahing and growling is as easy to do and it feels much better. When I am washing up and I let out a long Woah! Or growling Go! I feel much more empowered than when I am doing a Morrisey. There is a lot to be said for good posture and it is essential for Danziging and gets in the way of a good Morrisey. Which seems wrong as they are both posturing, but Morrisey’s posture is so grounded it doesn’t feel like it has a point.

Danzig does everything better than Morrisey but something they both do is display excellent wit in interviews. Morrisey however is a sad old poser, he shows a lot of spite to music journalists, I think this is more to do with him failing as one and his awareness that they are on a mission to out him as a fascist. Danzig however is a grumpy old school bastard who simply does not want to be nice and does not get along to get along, he looks like the cousin of Skeletor for a reason. Rather than being a dick in interviews for the sake of his persona, he can on occasion be charming, I am yet to see a single interview with Morrisey like this. The old twat can’t even have tea with Victoria Wood and be civil with her. I don’t know why she tolerated it.

With Danzig you won’t need to leave behind the rude outspoken elements, as he has those in spades. Danzig is quick witted and shows no respect to any journalists who he feels are wasting his time. He has never gone off on one about racism, sexism or nationalism. When he says something dumb, nobody else gets hurt and no fascists feel any empowerment. 

Not keen on Danzig? Too many muscles? Too American? Too punk? All easily understood, I wouldn’t have interrupted the Morrisey train with only one alternative method of transport. Like the drudgery of a rail replacement bus service, this next choice is one you will most likely be familiar with. Robert Smith! I’m sure you saw him coming into this, but as long as you stay in the Morrisey camp he bears mentioning. I can’t see why anyone would choose Morrisey’s personality or music over Robert Smith’s. It probably has something to do with the magnitude of Johnny Marr. Something I have never really understood, but I feel that The Cure have been hampered slightly by none of the band’s other personalities getting or wanting as much attention. When I saw them live it was the first time Roger O’Donnell had played with them in over a decade. That wasn’t a big drama that people would be shocked to see subside like the fallout between Marr and Morrisey, instead it meant that O’Donnell was first to the stage and the set drew heavily from the material he was responsible for. It was great. None of the drama was needed. The music has got that covered. Whereas Morrisey would be the tabloid darling all over again if something like that happened. It would be like the Gallagher brothers had decided to make up with each other and admit they were driving the scooters that chased Princess Diana through the Alma tunnel. That was dark, but I am trying to keep the attention of people who might listen to a Morrisey interview and not pull their hair out. They need saving the most.

When Robert Smith talks he doesn’t stick his chin up for all the mortals to gaze, he is genuinely a shy goth. Shy goths have always been the real poets of England. Not effeminate bullies like Morrisey. If your national pride comes into things like this, then you should still be happier if they made a special edition stamp collection of The Cure than The Smiths. Although that is less likely to happen for The Cure because after all this time they still have punk credibility. The first gig Robert Smith played was at his Catholic boys school and they kicked him out and blamed him for the riot that followed. The first gig The Smiths played was at a fashion show. I don’t wanna knock fashion but it just doesn’t stand up to being one of the best reasons to get kicked out of school.

The biggest difference I can spot between Robert Smith and Morrisey is that I would trust Robert Smith to babysit kids. I would also hug him if I got the chance. Maybe you like The Cure and The Smiths / Morrisey. They definitely don’t like both, so I think they would appreciate you taking a side. 

Maybe some water needs to go under some bridges. Maybe you didn’t like it when Robert Smith had something to say about Morrisey, or someone with a Boys Don’t Cry badge? Maybe the big meanie at the indie disco who ran off with your boyfriend was a card carrying member of The Cure fanclub? Get over it! It’s old news! Stop considering indie discos to be viable choices of venue for a date!

Put some music by The Cure on because I am going to tell you about the third path. Better yet, put on the music by a real underdog! Morrisey may have fooled you by feigning being wounded, but he wasn’t kicked when he was down. Not hard enough anyway! His fans may have taken a lot of licks from skinheads in the dark ages but he probably drinks tea with those same skinheads while they all fawn over racist jokes, of which I am sure he knows many.

The eighties were a goldmine for artistic underdogs. People who really were on your side. I know that memories fade, especially if the eighties were as hedonistic as they look from my era, but it wasn’t all Kylie Minogue, Duran Duran and Wham! It wasn’t all pop. You have your pick of excellent contemporaries. The Cure are my first choice but you also have interesting and outspoken weirdos like Julian Cope, Billy Bragg, Jimbob, Edwyn Collins, Bobby Gillespie, Michael Stipe, Thurston Moore, J Mascis, David Byrne, Ian McCulloch and Jaz Coleman. That’s just the men! Where are the adoring and defensive fans that Siouxsie Sioux deserves? The eighties had an amazing range of women who could fill your Morrisey hole; Debbie Harry, Alice Bag (Alice counts double if its the Latin American connection that drew you to Morrisey), Pauline Black, Chrissie Hynde and Viv Albertine. Viv Albertine has also written books that are much better than Morrisey’s. Funnier, sweeter and more heartbreaking, which with Morrisey isn’t saying much as a slug could have written a more relatable biography. I would wash my hands less thoroughly from slug slime in comparison to Morrisey’s sweat too. 

I have mentioned thirty-four artists that aren’t Morrisey in this rant so far. That’s thirty-four people who are better people than Morrisey, and I even count Madonna in that! Please, get a better hero because it’s not hard. Then you can get rid of your Smiths shirts and treat yourself to some new shirts, preferably from some fun gigs. Then you can wear them to indie discos because you shouldn’t stop going to them because I said so. I mean who do I think I am? Morrisey?

Maybe you are beyond caring and past reaching. Maybe you don’t care what Morrisey does and it’s all about the music for you? I don’t know if you have been reading closely but I have mentioned the incredible music of The Cure more times than has really been necessary. If this is your attitude then why not just double down? Join the Varg Vikernes fanclub! Buy some of GG Allin’s blood soaked Y-Fronts on Ebay! Buy the inevitable Misfits shirt in Proudboy black and gold from Michale Graves! Pull on people's emotions to question the abuse allegations of Michael Jackson! Don’t fight the man in the mirror! Just keep on wasting your affections and cash on terrible people. Speaking of, should I get Frankenstein mugs or shirts made up first? Then you can chuck that in the bin if I end up doing something awful! Because ditching things like that isn’t a big loss, there is always a better person to support.

Gammon For Dinner

 It’s been a lot of fun. They are pink, they are thick and when they get more angry they get more pink. It’s fucking perfect. I don’t want an end to the joke. I am not an advocate for politeness. I just know there is a kind of gammon that we should actually show unity to. Although a lot of them will have moved on, sold out (sorry grown up) and forgotten the fight they would have once had, there is definitely a core of punk rockers and those with memories of unions before Thatcher who would like to see some youth with the bollocks they had.

These gammon have been isolated from the political discussion by political correctness. Which I see as just a form of good manners. By condescending their generation with an updated lexicon you have handed them over to the right wing vultures. They haven’t wasted any time swooping in, giving them their own safe space. Where they can talk the way they always have and engage in political ideas at the same time. Trouble is, they are engaging with liars. They are being gaslighted by the right to the beat of all their favourite tunes. With all of their favourite food and refreshments (gammon).

Somewhere along the way we stopped laughing with each other. I don’t expect trans people or any other people with a british target on their back to laugh and smile and joke along, but those of us with the thicker skin and skulls should stay in the fight. I’m not going to laugh at some shitty joke at a refugees expense but if it comes to a conversation with the right person, I am going to just get them to get back to the point. I especially won’t give a fuck if they want to take the piss out of me. That’s how gammons make friends. We all need a safe space for politics and before that safe space becomes parler or just the daily mail in their van. I know they are used to getting what they want all the time, but its going to take some patience. That’s why you gotta pick your battles well, because we all only have so much of that. These are people who have a different concept of what respect is to me, but I can understand what they want.

I think that to turn the tide with gammons we are going to need a combination of three things to happen. Then they may not end up exactly “woke” but at least they won’t be fucking alseep or licking boots to thier own detriment.

The first thing we will need is for more of the boomers to die. Stay with me here, it gets bleaker. There were less rights for children when they were growing up as there was for millennials. Although their politics have certainly betrayed this trend when it comes to school aged britons now. They are more scared of their own parents than we are of ours. A lot of them have got some old codger breathing down their neck making sure they don’t do anything that doesn’t seem british, much like the scrutiny they might have put on us to ensure fragile masculinity or an imbalanced work ethic are passed on. You know how it is and it will be a lot easier for them to ignore a ghost or a photo on the table.

Next they are going to need reassurance that a left wing world will have a lot more of the things they like in it than they think. I know I am going to be generalizing here but come on, anglo saxons aren’t complicated and they are proud of that. They are already easily conflated with a cut of pork. I can definitely still see a place for football and barbeque in the world I want to be a part of. I genuinely think that their lives will improve and these men who are so afraid of being de emasculated will thrive in a less authoritarian world. All the Dad and lad stuff they enjoy so much will be more permissible. My Dad certainly laments that there has always been so much less I could get away with. I should ask him what he would get up to with no laws as he is drug free but pretty out there. A lot of Gammons would make excellent union leaders and reps, if they love confrontation and respect from their peers, the stone will required of such people would be fulfilled by men who feel politically sidelined and are angry about the state of their country. So angry they’ve gone pink, so is it really worse to be called pinko than gammon?

The third thing that is needed is a safe space, but for fucks sake never call it that in front of a gammon, they will flip their pineapple. They definitely have some snowflake tendencies but calling them out on it hasn’t gotten us anywhere. They have made some mistakes, and the gammon worth reaching are clever enough to know it. However, the football culture in our country has made it hard to lose in front of your mates. Hard to admit you were wrong. Most of all it is hard to go through the mental transition that people think is an insult called hypocrisy. All being a hypocrite means is someone has realized they have been wrong about something and there is a delay between this revelation and their behavior catching up with their new values. Bringing their values into line with logic and behavior. This can be a painful experience and political vultures will always make a dinner of someone’s cognitive dissonance. They can take the pain away by doubling down on the belief and forgetting the logic. It is easier than making the adjustments to ones life that can fit in with what they understand as right and wrong, so they give control. Your local conservative party candidate (Donna Jones - No Relation) or even UKIP, Qanon or Britain first recruiter will have the patience to convert their beliefs to make them comfortable, rather than allow their own will to take the challenge of living as they start to believe. Do not underestimate how valuable your favourite gammon would be to a fringe group. There is something worse than seeing a grown gammon cry and thats a gammon who never cries. Start the conversation with just them, ask them how you think their political decisions are panning out, in relation to some suffering or damage caused that you can expect them to understand. Let them climb down from their position of political superiority in the current climate. Don’t knock them off the top. Take things calmly, let them think that the fight is over, that the time for ‘unity’ is beginning. Let them concede their mistake by degrees and you will build a better ally (don’t fucking call them that too early!) as they will have taken the same logical route to political literacy you have. If they are aggressive when it comes to things like this, or they develop political theory and have decided where they stand without the help of a corrupting media then maybe just fuck them off. As, like I said, I don’t want to end the joke and there better be some gammons left to laugh at. Oink Oink!

Artwork by Beezus Castiel for Facebook Group - A Group where we all Pretend to be Gammon